Blog

10 rules of compassion: Compassion is a really nice word isn’t it? It makes us feel more human and more connected to the people around us. It makes us feel that we belong to this world and this community of humans and we all have a certain role to play. Needless to say, it really feels amazing to be compassionate and connect to people at the time they need our help.

Just like everything else, even compassion has a few rules to follow. Or else it becomes a charity affair! And no one wants that! Charity kinda leaves a bit of conceit and upper hand or a high hand and it really feels bad when that is used in the name of compassion. For most effective ways of compassion, here are 10 rules you need to follow:

The 10 Rules of compassion

The 10 rules of compassion are:

1. Empathy: Strive to understand and share the feelings of others, putting yourself in their shoes to see the world from their perspective.
2. Active Listening: Give your full attention when others speak, truly listening to their words, emotions, and unspoken messages.
3. Non-Judgment: Avoid making snap judgments about others and be open to understanding their unique circumstances and experiences.
4. Kindness: Show kindness and consideration towards others, even in challenging situations, and treat them with respect and dignity.
5. Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself, recognizing that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and it’s okay to make mistakes.
6. Patience: Practice patience with others and yourself, allowing space for growth and understanding.
7. Acts of Service: Offer support and assistance to those in need, whether it’s a small gesture or a significant contribution.
8. Forgiveness: Practice forgiveness towards others and yourself, recognizing that holding onto grudges only prolongs suffering.
9. Cultivate Awareness: Pay attention to the emotions and needs of others, as well as your own, and respond with care and understanding.
10. Connection: Foster genuine connections with others by expressing care and compassion in your interactions.

What is compassion?

As always, we start with our question as to who, what and why. And this time too, we need to understand what compassion means to us – not to the world, not to the dictionary, but to us. What does compassion mean? – It simply means being in someone else’s shoes, understanding their problems and responding to them. It doesn’t mean patience, it doesn’t mean going out of your way to help people, it just means being considerate.

Compassion is a genuine feeling of empathy and concern for others. It starts with kindness and a stance of zero judgement because people are going through different pains. The most helpful thing we can do is by being kind and sympathetic to what they are going through.

Compassion goes beyond simply feeling sorry for someone and involves a sincere desire to alleviate their pain or difficulties. Compassion involves understanding and connecting with others on an emotional level, showing kindness, and being willing to help and support them in any way possible.

Related: https://www.dictionary.com/browse/compassion

Why should you be compassionate?

With compassion, comes a sense of avoiding judgement. It is so easy to fall into the temptation of judging other people. But we can never be right in doing that because our judgement is limited by our own expectations and experiences of life. It is different for every individual. This mindset helps us to be kind and start understanding what’s going on with the person in front of us.

Why should we feel compassionate for someone else? Logically speaking, we can be compassionate about the people who matter to us directly. However, the world is full of people who we don’t know anything about. Is it realistic and possible to be compassionate to the wider world and its pains as well? The only reason I can come up with is that it helps create a sense of community and get in touch with our innate humanity by being compassionate. We can be logical and transactional, but that erodes the very sense of being human. Maybe compassion is the way that the world is telling us to belong and be helpful.

Empathy and stepping into someone’s shoes

Most people when asked for help jump into an advisory mode. On a previous post we had talked about the 10 things you have to be careful about people’s advice to you. It is a pretty dangerous place to step into when someone is in a bad phase of life. Sometimes all they need is support and reassurance.  Don’t stand outside the situation and try to offer your help. It is not going to be of any!

Instead, step in! Understand what the other person is going through. Listen, be sympathetic. Show your empathy to that person. No matter how unrealistic it might sound, step into their shoes and then try to talk to them. If you are trying to talk without doing that, then don’t bother talking at all.

Give them what they want, not what you want!

Compassion is not just about having a good heart and trying to help out people. It is also about really helping someone and about making a difference. People can easily claim compassion cos it is a very easy thing to do. But that’s just a claim and that is all it will be. It is not going to mean anything more unless you understand what they want and try to help them with that.

Ofcourse we can’t always give them what they want, but we can certainly understand and see if there are any alternate arrangements we can make

Never play the blame game!

It is a horrible thing! But people do end up blaming the victim. I don’t understand the joy in someone saying “I told You So” or “I was right all along”. No one ever likes that. The first question I would ask is – what is the point of a “told you so”? Is it to prove that you were right?

And even if you were, then what is the point? Did your being right solve anything?

The moment you say this, you seem like a total ass who doesn’t understand people who matter to you. Don’t ever do that! A mistake has happened, move past it and look towards a solution. Show a little class!

Know what you are trying to do!

You need to know what you are trying to accomplish for the other person. You need to know what you are talking about and the purpose of it. Sometimes the words don’t matter at all, sometimes all you need to do is just hug them and say that things are going to be ok.

You need to offer the solace, you need to show that you understand the problem. You need o show that you are not going to make a mockery of it and their problems are completely safe with you. If you want to be the listening ear, it comes with a few rules as well and you have to follow those.

Point out the positives

When someone is feeling a little lost and hopeless about life, you need to tell them and show them that life is beyond these silly little negative things. You need to show them the positive side of life and show them that there is a lot to look forward to and a lot to feel happy for. It is your responsibility to make sure that they see the larger picture and not wallow in the details.

Remind them who they are

Pain is a horrible thing sometimes. It gets us into a very bad phase of life and everything around us seems very negative and painful. It kinda makes us forget who we are as a whole and makes us respond to only the negative side of us. And it is simple common sense isn’t it – the more we respond with our negative side, the stronger it gets.

So, if someone is feeling bad and in a negative state, the onus is on you to get them out of it. The onus is on you to remind them who they are as a person. It might take some persuasion, it might take some proof, it might take going through the oldalbums but it is not the most difficult thing in the world.

Show a different perspective

Sometimes we all tend to make the problem as big as possible in our brain and think that it is everything and world seems utterly hopeless. Look at the problem, make it as small as possible. Beware though – don’t do it at the cost of offending the other person – do it in a way and ask them how it feels if you/he looks at the problem like this, in a lighter way?

Sometimes we all are so caught up in the problem that the solution doesn’t appear even if we are very close to it. And sometimes all we need is to simplify the problem to a much lower scale.

This too shall pass!

This is perhaps the one mantra, the one solution which will keep us all going. Every phase we go through is a temporary one and each of these phases makes us very strong. The one thing that matters is how fast we get out of those phases in life. We need to respond and act to the situation than letting it take over us. Cos every problem we face, we have an amazing solution for it. We just need to enable people to do that.

To sum up, compassion has got nothing to do with you. It is everything to do with the other person and about how you respond to them. Finally the solution is in the action. So, get them to act. No matter how silly the action is, get them to act on it and the solution is going to appear. It is not going to come to us when we sit idle in the room. The solution is outside!