Anger Management: What Do We Do?
Grrrrrrr!!! Well! That is something which I am sure we have all said at some point in our lives. Especially when there are so many things to make us angry, right from the time of a blackout, or an untimely rain or a severe heat wave or what not. And most usually it is a conversation or a little spat or so many other things. I wonder how easy it is to make someone angry!
But how do we control this anger? Is it something we can use to our advantage and make the best out of it?
The way I see it, anger is a lot of energy. I have realized that I run faster when I am angry, I focus better and I also feel like punching someone in the nose. Point is, it still is a great amount of energy. What if we find a way to use it to benefit us instead of harming our emotions and burning us inside?
Do you think I am making sense here? Well, if you said yes, then I guess the techniques below can help bring out a few more..
You are angry? Cool!
I am not going to say that you should never get angry. Heck you should get angry! It is still a better emotion than loneliness or rejection or disappointment.
Let us not deny this anger. In the normal parlance of emotions, it has its own place and contrary to most thoughts, it is something which we need not avoid/control completely.
It can be something which we can respect and even embrace for that matter.
What made you angry?
Is it because of something someone said? Is it because of how it made you feel?
I think most times it is because of how an event or a situation made us feel and some times it is about how a person made you feel. But if it is the person, is it actually the person or his behaviour which made you feel that way?
Most times we naturally associate the behaviour of a person to the person and label the person as irksome or bad. What if we keep the two separate. We still like the person for who they are, it is just that there is one attribute of them which we do not appreciate.
Well people are not perfect, heck they are great cos they are not perfect. If it is just that behaviour, let us be angry at the behavior and not the person.
Well! We have established anger, what to do now?
True, we have talked about anger and also about what it means. But we still haven’t found a way to handle it yet. We are still angry and the emotions are burning inside. How do we tackle this?
– Well the direct way is to shout at the person who made you angry, to tell them exactly why you felt that way and tell them how lame they are. This will lead to either an argument or to the other person feeling bad.
This will directly lead you to try calming them or quarelling with them or leading to a much bigger argument. Few days ago we talked about – How to handle an argument with an idiot, maybe we can use some pointers from that!
Or
– An indirect approach. Be a little bigger and try and understand what is going on in their mind and why exactly they said that. Are they reacting to you or are they reacting to a problem which they have in their life?
Remember that 90% of the time people respond to their own problems and not to you directly. So, take it with a pinch of salt.
Lead with Sympathy! or Curiosity!
If the other person pissed you off, instead of thinking how it made you feel, for a moment think about why he or she said something like that.What might be going on in their mind to vent their emotions on you.
The moment you feel a little curious or a little sympathetic, you can look at solving the problem and not the symptom.
But I am still angry!
Fair point! You are still angry and it is hard to be curious or sympathetic at this exact moment. What do you do? Like we talked about, anger is a sudden surge of energy. It needs an outlet. Find the most constructive one.
– Agreed that shouting is a good way, but it might backfire at you
– Grab your shoes and go for a run. Here are 7 reasons why you should run when you are angry!
– Most people tend to stress eating or angry eating and I certainly don’t recommend that
– How about writing an angry letter? – 10 reasons to write an angry letter!
– How about punching a bag or do something physical which makes you sweat, releases those carbs, this way you are on a good road to getting fit!
Let the thoughts settle down!
The only reason why we suggest the above is that anger is an emotion when we have a lot of unsettled thoughts and doubts and we have not processed the actual meaning of an event or an occurrence.
Well it doesn’t really give you the right to shout at someone in such a stage does it? Let these thoughts settle down, let them tell you what they are trying to tell you.
Let them find a good way to communicate with you before you communicate with someone.
But why should I suffer?
Now that is a good question. I agree that you didn’t make any mistake. It was all someone else’s fault. And it is not totally fair that you are suffering because of it.
But this is not an ideal world and you are faced with realities no matter how much you detest them. It is in how you handle them which is going to talk about you and your character.
And who asked you to suffer? Don’t you remember – Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional!
Then get busy!
If you think you are suffering because of that anger, you need to distract yourself. You have so many things that you love. Get involved in them.
Get really busy and occupied. Forget this matter at hand for the moment, it will come back to you.
And if you ask me how to forget something, well this is the way, get into action. There is a lot more in action than in mere thoughts.
After you have done all these, think of what the situation is trying to tell you!
There is something which happened and you didn’t like it. That was all the outcome of it. But what is it that you didn’t like in it? Do you think it makes sense to call that person and talk about it?
Does it make sense to make him or her understand what exactly in that occurrence made you feel bad. Does it make sense to tell them how you felt when they said something like that?
It is not that they did something because they are insensitive. I am sure they had a valid reason and most times the reason is that they didn’t know it would hurt you.
No one is that cruel to do something just to hurt you. And if it is a cruel person, I am sure you would not be that angry. It is easier to avoid the idiots isn’t it?
If you are still angry!
Tell the person that you are angry. If they are someone who really matter to you, they will find a way to calm you down, they will find a way to explain the situation to you.
Sometimes you need not assume anything about it at all. The dear ones will be there to help you out.
Do I do all of these?
Well! Of course not! I am a human and an absolutely imperfect one. But I do try to do a few of these which makes me feel better and helps me get out of the situation faster.
It is not a perfect world, I do angry but I do take pride in saying that I don’t anger at ease. It is not a perfect science, we all go wrong and then wrong again and then wrong again only to realize that there is a beauty in not repeating the mistakes and that makes a hell of a difference :)
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Quite a useful post. :)
Thank you Shubham. Glad you found it useful :)
Thank you Anki.. I am very glad to hear that the article helped :). Please do let us know if you have any thoughts on any other topics where we can be of assistance. We’d be happy to write :)
Very useful points esp. for people like me who are short on temper :P :P :D
Thank you Roohi.. He he, well we are all in the same club ;)
Thank you Lance :). I think we all do in different intensities and I guess it is all fine as long as we learn from it and improvise. After all there are a lot of things to be angry about :D ;)
Hey Vinay ! I loved it esp your mention of Angry email/letter :-D it was gr8 idea.
Still totally agree that communicating is best way.It made me rem one of my fav movie
“Anger Management”:-D gr8 change in layout here & cartoons are just apt like always. Good Wishes.
Thank you Ruchi :). True, communication does ease the situation out and makes getting back to normalcy faster.. I am all for it :) .
He he, I loved that movie, Adam Sandler is a true entertainer. It wont be a lie if I say I remembered him while writing this post :).
Thank you, I liked these cartoons better than the earlier posts. Had a feeling that I should change from the retro black and white to some colors :).
As for the layout change, I think I have kept it the same. Alok also said it is appearing different. I need to work on it a bit :)
Something to think about…It’s hard to define myself in this regard because the cause of anger is the criteria of its intensity (which is very subjective and relative to each individual)….But one thing I know for sure, if I react to it by vocalising, I think I get back to my normalcy faster….if I try to subside then it takes a very long time to get over. It’s like I need to have the war within me fumigating inside and I have to extinguish it by myself…that’s a lot of work and probably thats why it takes time :) — I guess we all are perfectly imperfect :)
Thank you Vidhya :). Perfectly pointed out Vidhya! I think this is perhaps the befitting response to the post. You are right, anger is a very subjective thing, esp cos intensity varies from person to person and in the same person it varies on the situation and the criterion causing it as well.
Being vocal does solve the problem most times, I guess also the use of softeners go a long way in simplifying our reactions and responses to it..
I get the feeling of a fumigation. That’s one of the reasons I choose to go for a run at these situations, helps me think better. Well I guess that is another part of my imperfection :)
I usually count to twenty.. post that if I still feel as angry I speak up otherwise I dont.. many a times I also try and remind myself that the person I am speaking to does not get it, it works then as well
That works well too. I did try that a couple of times, then I think I blank out.. But I think talking it out and speaking to a person makes that difference, avoids a recurrence of such an event :)
My Mantra Vinay is I just go silent and start meditating on God’s form and name. It has worked for me. Very good post indeed.
Thank you Shweta :). That is quite calm of you. The only person I can think of when I am angry is Satan ;) and also some devious ways to get back at the person who made me angry :D :)
Beautifully put forth, Vinay. The title reminded me of Alok’s post but it’s different and equally useful.
Thank you Ravish. Alok has been a great source of inspiration in the changes to my site and also the variations in it. I truly owe a lot to him :)
Great post Vinay. I am happy with your writing style now :) Only thing which you need to further enhance is to make headings which can have keywords related to posts. Right now all the headings are not becoming a point, these are actually becoming good from the article point of view, but then you will have to give headings which can further increase its chances in Google search.
Don’t worry I am sure you will improve soon in this art too. By the way don’t say Grrr after reading this comment of mine :)
He he.. Thanks Alok. That truly means a lot :). I am on a different cloud now!
He he he :D .. interesting, how do I do that Alok. As in what do you think could have been the improvement with title on this topic or the body of the post? As in if I were to make any changes to make it better or more acceptable by google, what would those changes be? This helps me understand better and incorporate in my further posts..
Sure Vinay, I will let you know these, please forgive me till tomorrow as you know I am busy with house warming thing, will be free by this weekend and then let you know about it :) Hope it will work..
Thanks Alok :). Oh yes the day is here .. Happy house warming Alok. Very eagerly looking forward for the photographs.
Sure Alok, whenever you get an opportunity to, kindly do lemme know :)
Thank you Vinay :)
Anger management, the more you read the more you learn but the end it comes down to implementing all that is red and learnt. These steps are easy and am positive will surely help many, starting with me of course.
Thank you Athena :). I agree, the more we read, the more confused we get :D . But again I guess it is all a part of our personality building. We get better at things naturally and these thoughts just open up those pockets of learning in us :)
Hmm Vinay, Here I can score better then your past post where I had to stop pushing away the work in my mind :P I am short tempered but can manage my anger … Thanks to my kids and many others (better not named… see i managed the anger :P ) who have taught me this valuable lesson in life :)
Thank you Kokila :). He he he :D .
Oh well, if you have kids then my patience is in no way comparable to yours! You indeed score better on this post :).