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Don’t worry, we are not going to profess here that enmity is bad, I can easily say – “the mentality of enmity can poison a nation’s spirit” or something in that essence, but we all know that don’t we? I mean it is great to aspire to be a perfect person, but at some part, I feel that it is ok to be a little limited, a little real and also a little human! What do we feel about our enemies? The natural course of answer is – We are all lovely people here in this world, our enemies are the ones who are absolutely immature, who don’t know how to handle a conversation, who don’t know how to behave or who don’e even know how to respect us! Does this at any point seem like a familiar rationalization? I am guessing you would have had these thoughts at least at some point in your life, maybe during a conversation or a debate or even a fight. No matter what the reason is I think it is safe to assume that we have had enemies and we have dealt with them in different ways and moved on with our lives. Presenting a few of those learnings with the mistakes we have done and suggestions as to how we can deal with them better!
Here you go with a detailed explanation:
1) WHY ARE THEY YOUR ENEMY?
“I had never really thought about this earlier, the point was – X is my enemy and that is the end of it!”
But, digging in a little deeper, What is it that they have done to deserve your enmity? Is it something they said, is it something they did to you or is it that you can’t tolerate their presence? What exactly is the reason that you hate them? The reasons can be plenty, some simple – like a professional jealousy or a misunderstanding and some very complicated – like they having betrayed you or made some irreparable damage in their life, but ask yourself this one basic question
What is the exact reason as to why they are your enemy? And “I don’t know, I simply don’t like that guy/girl, is not an answer” ;)
2) HOW IMPORTANT ARE/WERE THEY IN YOUR LIFE?
What were they before they were your enemies? Did you hate them from the start? Or is it that they were close friends who later turned your enemy? What did they do so bad that they cannot be taken back in your life? I am not asking you to take them back, but what is that something they did that they are so unwelcome now and do not have a place in your life? But again, just for the heck of it, try and think what they meant to you before this incident happened. If you hated them from the start, well maybe you are a little ahead, but if there was something which ticked you off, just try and imagine your life if that one particular incident did not happen, what would have life been?
Related: How To Stop Being A Prisoner Of Your Past?
3) IS THERE ANYTHING THEY CAN DO TO MAKE THINGS BETTER?
Well.. They could have said sorry, they could have not done that thing or they could have made amends to you, but they didn’t. I agree that it was quite immature of them not to do that and it is not very easy to forget or forgive that, maybe there was something else on their mind, maybe they were insensitive and don’t realize why or what happened, maybe they were just thick skinned. But they didn’t and the moment has passed now, but what can they do now if at all they want to, to make things better and back to normal? Do you have an option for that?
4) DOES IT MAKE SENSE TO TELL THEM?
To be honest, most times people are rude without knowing that they are. The moment someone realizes that they are rude, the natural tendency of a sensible person would be to apologize for that or make amends or make sure that it doesn’t happen again. What I am trying to say is, there is a possibility that they never knew that they were crossing the line and making an enemy in you. So.. Does it make sense to tell them why exactly they are your enemy and what made you feel bad?
5) HOW IMPORTANT IS THAT PERSON TO YOU?
Let us keep aside this enmity for a while, let’s say that even if this person is the worst one on earth and you want nothing to do with them. Just ask yourself this once – “How important that person is to you?” If you care enough to hate them, maybe they do have an impact on you. You can either deal with it, or even ignore it but that would depend on what that person means to you and what you want them to mean to you.
6) WHY ARE YOU NOT ABLE TO FORGIVE THEM?
To Forgive and Forget is one of the greatest delights of being a HUMAN. But we both know that it is never easy to forgive someone, esp when they have hurt you bad. But I would like to ask another question here – What hurts more? – The feeling of hatred, being unable to forgive someone or that someone is still a part of your thoughts? Which one of the two hurts more? If the answer is former, then probably it is time that we think of an option for them to make things right
Related : Ultimate Definition Of Forgiveness
7) OPEN UP A CONVERSATION
Yup! I know you hate them, I know you don’t care too much for them but if they mean something to you – open up that conversation, if you find it hard to talk to them, write a mail to them, tell them what is going on in your mind, tell them that you miss them and it feels bad to think about how great things could have been and they are not because of something holding you back. If necessary, grease their ego, ask them if you are important to them and whether they are willing to meet you half way to solve the issue between you. If they are, then maybe meet for a coffee, discuss about it and if possible explain to them why it happened in the first place and that it would mean the world to you if they took an action to resolve it. If you are talking to a sensitive person on the other end of the table, I am sure they will catch your drift and respond!
8) I WILL BE MEAN COS HE IS MEAN!
“An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth will make the whole world blind!”. I am all for taking a revenge on your enemy, infact I will sit with you to plan a revenge and imagine how it would be to see that happen as long as you promise me that – that would be the extent of it! There would be no execution of the plan. It is fairly natural to try and be mean to someone but what if you took the high road, be a little noble? Not because you are a great human being and not even because it is an amazing thing to do, but because it is an easier thing to handle. Although it is easy to be mean, the repercussions hurt you more than they hurt him/her. The moment you are rude or act in a way to get back at them, they will further neglect you making your actions mute and you will not be able to spread any message across. What if you try a little different approach? You may say that it is Gandhigiri- well, why not?
Related: Gandhigiri – Why Not?
9) OF LOVE AND AFFECTION!
Love thy neighbour says the bible, so it is very noble of you to love your enemy as well, but that would not be the easiest thing to do. Something that seems easier is hatred and devising a way to get back at them. But don’t you think that is too much of energy spent on them? I mean devising a plan, making sure that it works and hurts them, trying to teach them a lesson, thinking whether they would learn that lesson, trying to think of ways in which they can get back at you? My god! That does seem like a lot of effort. Given that it is your enemy, do you think they deserve that much of your thought? Wouldn’t it be easier to simply ignore them?
10) IF NOTHING WORKS
Well, if nothing works, having an enemy is something you cannot help, maybe so, but letting them affect you is completely your choice. I can completely respect that, but if you think that there is something you can do to sort it out and you want to, then maybe one of these ideas above can help. If you think that I have missed something here or if there is anything you need our suggestion, please let us know below or if you need discretion, do write to us at [email protected] and we shall get back to you within 48 Hrs on it :)
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Just like a Friend, enemy is also a big word to be called. For a person whom I dislike for any reason, I would say we are not friends but it does not mean that he is my enemy.
Thank you Priyashi :). True, enemy is a BIG word indeed. That is a better way of looking at things, although I am not a big fan of definitions, I took the generic understanding of the word. I realize it is too strong a word to handle, on hindsight I should have probably made a better choice of words .
I really don’t have enemies to say…None have actually done anything to sabotage me, my life , my family or anything to that grave extent…But yes, I do have people whom I dislike and once the feeling roots in then it doesn’t seem to change. It’s mostly to do with vibes and I won’t blame the other person alone. perhaps this strange vibe is mutual, eventually resulting in awkwardness to be present in each others presence (like in a social gathering)….I can never think about forgiving someone unless that someone feels the need to be forgiven (if you know what I mean) :)
Thank you Vidhya :). You are a blessed soul ! I guess I am pretty much similar on that front. Even I dont think I have many enemies or rather hope so. But there sure are a lot of people I don’t like to talk to and find it easier to avoid them ;).
I think I catch your drift, it is the vibe, the negative energy or some factor which makes it very uncomfortable to spend more time with such people. Its best to steer away from such ones!
Of course the whole world will not swoon over you then what you will have differences and you will have people poking but then I have learnt that forget, forgive and march on for your own good….life is too short to waste on trifles
Thank you Chaitali :). Very true indeed, not even a part of the world would swoon and it would let the angry one be angry without much of a settlement factor. It is the best way to go ahead forgiving and forgetting the negatives around us :)