Being Assertive In Life
Before we get into the details of how to be more assertive in life, let us try and understand what it means to be assertive in life.
Being Assertive Definition
As per the dictionary, being assertive means having or showing a forceful personality. If we dig in a little deeper, we all know who we are, what we stand for and our rights in life. And if someone cuts us off that, there is a sense of indignation and irritation. Sometimes people do it without their knowledge, they are just insensitive. But some other times, it gets a little annoying when they do it even when they know. That is when you realize that your natural good nature is being taken advantage of. And that is never a good thing.
So, we naturally have to be assertive. Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting about being rude, but I am just suggesting about preventing someone from entering your private space and treating you like dirt. It may happen in simple terms like them teasing you or bullying you over and over again. Or they may take your opinion for granted and think that you don’t really mind. Or they may simply ignore your presence or dominion about anything and treat you like a rubber stamp.
All of these are equally bad and there is no excuse for them to do that. And there is no excuse for you to tolerate that either. With that premise we talk about 5 techniques to become more assertive.
5 Tips To Become More Assertive, Step 1: Who Are You?
The first and foremost aspect of being assertive in life is knowing who you really are.
- Who are you?
- What are the values you stand for?
- What don’t you tolerate?
- Why don’t you tolerate something?
- What is the meaning of tolerance or being nice as per you?
- When do you think someone is violating your rights?
These are the questions which will get you to understand yourself better.
5 Tips To Become More Assertive, Step 2: Recognize The Pattern
We all know that when there is something distasteful happening, there is a pattern. There is a pattern for something great happening as well. But do recognize the pattern.
I am not suggesting to flare up at every single digression from your thoughts. That is simply being too intolerant. But what we are suggesting is to look if there is a pattern or a consistency. If someone is consistently pushing you down, if you realize that someone is constantly putting you down and disrespecting your views. And if there is someone who constantly pushes your buttons. Then it is time to see that there is a consistent appearance here and you just have to stand up for it.
Things do not miraculously solve themselves, we have to stand up for that!
5 Tips To Become More Assertive, Step 3: Assertion, Aggression And Passive Behavior
There is a Thin Line:
- There is a thin line between being passive and tolerant.
- There is a thin line between being assertive and aggressive
- And there is a thin line between being passive and assertive as well.
Honestly there is a thin line between every little thing in life. And rightly so, the balance is something which brings solace in life and that is the beauty of it. Sometimes we ought to be aggressive, sometimes we ought to be passive and sometimes assertive as well.
Like we say, everything has its place in life but everything has a simple requirement to it – Is that approach helping you. Or is that approach hurting someone else? The moment you answer these questions to your satisfaction, it is time to head on to the next step.
5 Tips To Become More Assertive, Step 4 : What Exactly Do You Hate?
What is it that you don’t like about the situation?
- Is it the tone?
- The way they treat you?
- Do you feel disrespected?
- Do you feel that they don’t care about you?
Try and figure out what exactly you don’t like about it. Have a heart to heart talk with that person and tell them how it makes you feel. You need not be argumentative about it, you can have it over an informal conversation and tell them how it makes you feel and how it is hurting your progress or relationship with them.
Most people are very sensitive and most times they do these stupid things cos they don’t really know it is hurting you and they are just too consumed about themselves in their life. Make them understand that it is hurting you and they are entering your private space which is really hurting you.
5 Tips To Become More Assertive, Step 5 : Don’t Explain Yourself Too Much
Sometimes, you don’t have to provide an explanation for your opinion or thoughts. Sometimes you don’t need to clearly explain why you are right and why they are wrong.
Sometimes even knowing that it is just about the emotions is a great deal for the communication.
Don’t fret about that. You don’t have to be perfect. It is ok to be wrong, but it is NOT OK to be disrespected for that. It is completely alright to be yourself and tell yourself that consistently. The more you let someone tread over your personal life, the more you are taken for granted. You have got to stand up for yourself and these 5 steps are going to be a good start to being assertive in life.
Before we part, we would like to share with you a small video from Video Well cast about being assertive in Life
Excerpts From The Video:
1) Hold on to your Nuts:
- N- Non negotiable
- U-Unalterable
- T-Terms
2) Be simple honest and direct
3) Fake it till you make it
4) Use I statements instead of you statements – when you are assertive to something and telling someone about it…
Ex: Instead of saying, “You‘re so inconsiderate. You have no idea how hard my day at the office was. Why would you ask me to do all these chores?” say, “I’m exhausted today. I understand you want these things done, but I’m not going to be able to get to them until tomorrow.
These were our top 5 tips on being assertive in life. Stay tuned in for more.
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Oh, yes that was good of you to have done it… I got more problems because of being female for instance when travelling in bus, the bus guy does not stop for toilet breaks etc, I find it difficult to ask but this time I asked too(:… when it became 4 hours and bus did not stop I told driver you have to stop sometime so we all have refreshing breaks.. I did it twice… and another time I got scolded upon for getting out the bus stop for break but I kept quite… it is not always easy to be assertive… but we all should protest, make noise etc when things are not right however intimidating the thing is… there are more instances such as a person bad behavior on road etc… infact this is the most impt trit we all should have and I lack it to a huge extent… hope I do become more assertive… thanks for replying.
Thank you Maria. I understand, the challenges you have are more daunting cos there doesn’t seem to be any dearth of insensitive people out there who act like the most selfish bums. I feel sorry that they made you feel like that. I agree, the idiots who misbehave are a lot out there and I wish there was a mechanism to root them out as well. Just about 4-5 months ago an idiot taxi guy bumped my car from behind. He got out of the car and started shouting at me even though the mistake was completely his. I got out completely irritated and told him that it was his fault. He ganged up a few in that locality and advanced on me. The crowd was so insensitive that they didn’t bother. Instead they stood in support of him just so that they’d get more entertainment. No one seemed to care what was right or wrong. The solution for this maybe in the legal system. But when a society like that is on adrenaline and wants to fight, being assertive kinda backfired and I felt absolutely helpless. My blood still boils when I remember that.
Yes… hopefully with awareness campaigns and telling others about being assertive and stand up when they see a really unfair thing more people will be assertive or reacting to such in justices… but its more brainwashing your mind, reminding yourself that you stand for something… but ofcourse one must be careful as well. So, did you get something out of the taxt driver, I don’t drive cars because I was afraid of these sort of instances. It happened in a highway I turned long instead of short and a group of men got angry, true I made a mistake but they tried to hit my car… worst was there were 3 ladies and one old man in the car, its just horrible of them to try be violent on us. Anyway
I couldn’t agree more Maria, it is about brainwashing our mind and telling ourselves more than enough number of times that we have rights too and we should stand up for them or else people will take advantage and sometimes in a very bad way too :(. Naah, nothing that idiot was just a brute and he kept shouting. Luckily nothing happened to us, nothing was hurt except the pride. End of the day, I could not help myself thinking that injustice prevailed and it felt so bad that people can get away just by being the loud mouths and getting the idiotic public support which wants to do nothing but simply find someone to dump their frustrations on. And that day, I just learned that all I have to do is just shut up, take the vehicle number of such a driver and lodge a complaint in the police station. Or maybe stop next to a cop, only then will these guys know how to behave.
Ohhh!! Really they tried to hit your car and all? Gosh, I don’t understand all this anger and frustration, especially when someone tries to get physically abusive. It is so disgusting and disappointing that people behave like this. Don’t know when will people become more important than the silly vehicles or damages on it. Sheesh! :(
Actually, I am not atall so assertive and as a adult suffering a lot… I am not able to say no many times, or prevent something I am not comfortable from happening. Plus, ladies in India have to be very assertive to appear bold and someone who cannot stand non-sense. I am trying very hard to be assertive now, I tell myself I have a right to have my way too, also I am strong too, also that if something is not right one must stand up, help etc, it is something I am training myself for…Anyway.
Hi Maria, thanks so much for your thoughts here. I understand the situation, even I used to be a lot like this. Infact I don’t know how much of it remains in me now, but I do make a conscious effort to get rid of it. We all have our rights and sometimes we do need to assert them or else the bullies will get the better of it. For example, just the last week, I was at a theatre watching a movie while a man 3 seats next to me was talking loudly on his phone for a long time. People pretended as if it didn’t bother them, but I am sure it pissed them off too. It took me a lot of deliberations before I went up to him and asked him to take the call outside cos it was honestly an insensitivity towards our rights. I do know that it is a very small instance but I still don’t understand why I had to deliberate so much before I spoke to him like that. Maybe the traces do remain a bit, but somehow I am fairly happy that I was able to assert my opinion. :)
I love your tips here…most are very practical and tried and tested! Great job, once again!
Thanks Alok, most of these are the ones we have put into practice and learnt from them and kinda makes them that much closer to being who we really are and to get where we want to :)
Assertiveness is a much-needed quality. It helps us to grasp things better and improves our thinking capability. Great post as always, Vinay…liked the NUT thing… :-)
Thank you Maniparna! :). Indeed indeed, I have been on the receiving end and it really sucks when people take you for granted. It is so much better to be assertive and kinda tell people as to what is or what is not our private space so that they don’t intrude or make us feel horrible..