Its not a big surprise that I hate failure too, just like the way you do! I hate the feeling to the core and I wish there was a way to get out of it as soon as possible. But no matter what I said to myself, I realized that there is something unshakeable about failure – The definition it is going to create!
WHY I HATED THE FAILURES?
I have always hated to fail. The very idea of being not able to accomplish something, the thought of being rejected (How to handle rejection? ), the thought of something telling me that I am not able to do something was a constant pain and I felt so irritated to feel that my ego was being crushed over and over again. But somehow that didn’t really deter me from trying things I really liked and it further didn’t deter me from failing further which I kept on hating. Now you see where I am getting at? That is what I meant by Life is a Full circle 😛 :D.
NOBODY TOLD ME THESE FAILURES WERE IMPORTANT
But somehow somewhere nothing told me that each of these failures was important. I look back now and I realize how important each one has been to bringing me to where I am today. I really loved the whole run of events till I got into a company which paid me quite a good sum to do a work which I hated. Initially I thought I could do it for the money but you can imagine how long it would last. Then I headed to try my luck at the IAS exams which was supposedly the toughest atleast according to the reviews and made it to the interviews in the first two attempts and then got screwed in the interview. I felt like a big mess, took a lot of time to recover from it and then started cursing the exams, the board and the interview panel and so many other people in my life who were there for me and the ones who weren’t there for me.
NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE TRY TO RATIONALIZE, WE HAVE TO WAKE UP SOMETIME
That perhaps made me feel good for a while but the feeling of failing at something did bug me for a long time. The beauty of life is no matter how much we are put down, the circumstances around or something inside keeps telling us to wake up and do something, something which can keep us active. Started doing odd things, those were the things which started keeping me afloat, the things which I never thought were of any significance. I started teaching in some stupid classes which I thought were of no importance but it gave a strange sense of satisfaction, then came writing reviews, paid and free lance writing which I did for a while and after that it was doing the guided tours at Royal Mysore Walks which perhaps changed my entire life around and now it is probably one of the best things that has happened in the recent past.
WHAT HAPPENED EACH TIME I FAILED?
Now coming to the topic, I realized each of these failures sucked, made me feel miserable, made me think of so many things about myself which I hated thoroughly. But each of them did tell me something extraordinary, every time I fell down, it shattered my ego, it felt horrible but there was a strange sense of delight to know that something was happening, there was action and there was a constant run of emotions. I started realizing that there is so much to appreciate which I was missing out on cos I was being a little cocky and annoying being on the high horse of so called success. Then it was the learning how important each person is when it takes something to happen. I was of the opinion that intelligence ruled the world but then realized it was more than that, it was humanity. Then I realized how important it is to maintain relationships and respect people. Although I have hurt a lot of people in the process and feel a little sorry about it, I do realize how important it was to realize how foolish I was being by pushing people away. I did realize how important it was to say that I couldn’t do it and not call the grapes sour. I realized that there was great dignity in accepting things the way they are and accepting that even you can fail sometimes.
IT WASN’T THAT BAD, ATLEAST I HAD TO KEEP TELLING THAT TO MYSELF FOR THIS
I did realize that I was not somewhere else compared to the rest of the population and I was one among them. I realized that one of the biggest challenges I had faced in life was relating to people and I realized why and tried to find a way around it. I also realized how important it is to be humble and behave like one, I realized the importance of making fun of oneself over others and trying to be with someone. I realized the importance of motivation and the connect between the theoretical and the real side of the world. Amongst a lot of other things, the one thing I am thankful for is that it made me more HUMAN than I thought I could be.
SO YOU SEE WHY I BADLY NEEDED A FAILURE?
So, you see why I so badly needed a failure ? I am sure you would have had similar experiences and I would love to hear about them if you would like to share below. I think as a society we are trained to shun our failures, avoid them, feel bad about them.I agree we should feel bad about them cos we feel that we have let down something, maybe our own standards, but that doesn’t mean it is the end of it. There is so much in the simple failures which can make life so much more elegant. Maybe it makes sense sometimes to accept that we really deserved it, even if we think we didn’t. That way atleast we are looking at what we can do about it instead of feeling sorry for ourselves.
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